Hi folks. If you tuned into This American Life today, you heard Starting From Scratch, which featured Jonathan Goldstein’s “Adam and Eve” story which is featured in his book, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! and has appeared on Wiretap a couple times as well. It’s an interesting piece since it was aired in the pre-Wiretap days back in 2003. Jonathan Goldstein mentions the process of paring down his Adam and Eve story for This American Life over at Transom Review:
I do write stories with a length in mind. I don’t mind doing that. It’s like painting on a canvas of a certain size, if that makes sense. In the case of this recent Adam and Eve story, it was drawn from a larger work in progress. I started with about seven thousand words, and played around with it until it was 2500 words, and of those words, after all the editing and revising, most of them ended up just being replaced with new stuff. I wonder if it’ll be difficult to get back to the original story I had started. I had all this writing about the snake bragging to Adam about how he’s able to have sex with all these bigger animals in the garden by stiffening himself and using his entire body as a phallus. There’s this long description the snake gives of pleasuring a zebra for three hours straight while the zebra gallops all across the land in a state of ecstatic insanity. It was all stuff that would not work on the radio.
I do write stories with a length in mind. I don’t mind doing that. It’s like painting on a canvas of a certain size, if that makes sense.
In the case of this recent Adam and Eve story, it was drawn from a larger work in progress. I started with about seven thousand words, and played around with it until it was 2500 words, and of those words, after all the editing and revising, most of them ended up just being replaced with new stuff. I wonder if it’ll be difficult to get back to the original story I had started. I had all this writing about the snake bragging to Adam about how he’s able to have sex with all these bigger animals in the garden by stiffening himself and using his entire body as a phallus. There’s this long description the snake gives of pleasuring a zebra for three hours straight while the zebra gallops all across the land in a state of ecstatic insanity. It was all stuff that would not work on the radio.
Obviously, this little x-rated bit didn’t make the final cut. If you missed it, give a listen to Wiretap episode Adam and Eve, which Jonathan Goldstein performed live in season five. And, of course, it’s the first story in Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! If you enjoyed Jonathan Goldstein’s take on the Bible, be sure to check out his other retellings of the Bible.
I’ve been remiss in reading Jonathan Goldstein’s weekly National Post column, but doing so is always a delight. Because he often discusses upcoming Wiretap episodes, it makes you feel a bit like an insider once he mentions threads that originated in the National Post. Other times, his monologues come from National Post article verbatim.
Anyway, as part of my renewed dedication to the Unofficial Wiretap blog, I’m going to go through all of these and pull out some highlights. You can read them all by going to National Post and searching Jonathan Goldstein, but here are some quotables from random columns.
This one ended up in Patent Pending.
Monday. Gerard phones. He is excited. “I’ve come up with the perfect renewable resource,” he says. “Edible lizards’ tails. Cut one off and it grows back. It could mean the end of world hunger. I can’t understand why no one’s thought of it yet.” “Because it’s madness,” I say. “Just think,” he says. “The Feeding of the 5,000 would have been a lot easier if Jesus had used five loaves and two geckos. You could even mix the DNA with bovine DNA and voila! Oxtail soup for everyone!” As I listen to Gerard, it occurs to me that the perfect renewable resource might actually be the bad ideas of friends. Read more: http://www.nationalpost.com/arts/story.html?id=2098296#ixzz0UFfGUNIT
Monday. Gerard phones. He is excited.
“I’ve come up with the perfect renewable resource,” he says. “Edible lizards’ tails. Cut one off and it grows back. It could mean the end of world hunger. I can’t understand why no one’s thought of it yet.”
“Because it’s madness,” I say.
“Just think,” he says. “The Feeding of the 5,000 would have been a lot easier if Jesus had used five loaves and two geckos. You could even mix the DNA with bovine DNA and voila! Oxtail soup for everyone!”
As I listen to Gerard, it occurs to me that the perfect renewable resource might actually be the bad ideas of friends.
Howard is over at my new place. We are eating candy when he drops a malted milk ball on the living room floor. We watch it slowly roll out the door and into the kitchen. The good thing about having an apartment that’s tilted is that when you drop round candy, it always rolls to the same corner of your home. I assume that by the end of the month, I will end up with a nice little corner stash. Read more: http://www.nationalpost.com/arts/story.html?id=2073497#ixzz0UFgtGMNI
My go-kart driving style is like a cross between Mad Max and Ethel Merman in It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. I drive aggressively but also with hesitation, toggling between flooring the gas and slamming on the brake. This leads to my being waved over by an employee. My sense of shame at being reprimanded by a 15-year-old track attendant for not obeying the rules of go-kart road safety is only outdone by my sense of fear that I will die on a go-kart track. I can only imagine what the obituary would read like. Read more: http://www.nationalpost.com/arts/story.html?id=2048297#ixzz0UFhhIeFw
My go-kart driving style is like a cross between Mad Max and Ethel Merman in It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. I drive aggressively but also with hesitation, toggling between flooring the gas and slamming on the brake. This leads to my being waved over by an employee.
My sense of shame at being reprimanded by a 15-year-old track attendant for not obeying the rules of go-kart road safety is only outdone by my sense of fear that I will die on a go-kart track. I can only imagine what the obituary would read like.
Wednesday. I wake up out of a dream in which Tucker makes a cameo appearance — as a raisin in my porridge.”What business is it of yours to dream about me?” he asks when I call up to tell him about it. “I have no control over what I dream,” I say. “And why would you care anyway?” “I’ve had occasion to glimpse the things that go on in your mind,” he says. “So the idea of spending any time there upsets me.” Read more: http://www.nationalpost.com/arts/story.html?id=2023603#ixzz0UFiJmeKB
“I have no control over what I dream,” I say. “And why would you care anyway?”
“I’ve had occasion to glimpse the things that go on in your mind,” he says. “So the idea of spending any time there upsets me.”
“I literally can’t give away my belongings,” I say, staring out the uncurtained window. “No one’s even taking my red checkered shirt.” “You had a red-checkered shirt?” “Don’t you remember? You said it made me look like a picnic table. Just think, if you took it you could lie down on the floor while wearing it and eat a bowl of potato salad off yourself with the whole meal feeling alfresco.” “When I want alfresco, I eat hot dogs while leaning against a mail box.” Read more: http://www.nationalpost.com/arts/story.html?id=1998047#ixzz0UFjkaCMq
“I literally can’t give away my belongings,” I say, staring out the uncurtained window. “No one’s even taking my red checkered shirt.”
“You had a red-checkered shirt?”
“Don’t you remember? You said it made me look like a picnic table. Just think, if you took it you could lie down on the floor while wearing it and eat a bowl of potato salad off yourself with the whole meal feeling alfresco.”
“When I want alfresco, I eat hot dogs while leaning against a mail box.”
Tuesday. For my radio show, I interview a man named Bart who promises to take care of your pet after the rapture. His business is called Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA. Bart charges US$110 for the service, and assures his clients that their pet will be cared for by someone who stands no chance of being transported to heaven. “How can you be so sure?” I ask. “I make certain of it,” he says. “Before I agree to hire someone, they have to send me an email in which they blaspheme.” Read more: http://www.nationalpost.com/arts/story.html?id=1973726#ixzz0UFjvrXPF
Tuesday. For my radio show, I interview a man named Bart who promises to take care of your pet after the rapture. His business is called Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA. Bart charges US$110 for the service, and assures his clients that their pet will be cared for by someone who stands no chance of being transported to heaven.
“How can you be so sure?” I ask.
“I make certain of it,” he says. “Before I agree to hire someone, they have to send me an email in which they blaspheme.”
10:10 p. m. Lately Howard’s been writing riddles and jokes. I’d always thought such a vocation was strictly reserved for prison inmates and asylum dwellers. Apparently not. Most of the jokes Howard comes up with involve bears and forest rangers, penguins in bars, and chickens. He decides to favour a group of us with one of his new pearls. “A chicken is trying to cross the road,” he says. “Cars swerve all around him, honking their horns. ‘Get out of the way, you stupid chicken,’ they scream. Finally, the poor chicken, having had enough, stops in the middle of the road, looks into the sky and says, ‘Why am I doing this?’ ” No reaction, but then Howard adds, “I think we’ve all felt at some point in our lives like that chicken.” And this gets the laughs he was after. Sunday, 1:15 a. m. I fall asleep to the sound of my friends in the other room, still going strong. At the moment they’re swapping stories about the first time they ever heard Stairway to Heaven. All in all, it feels like a pretty good night. Read more: http://www.nationalpost.com/arts/story.html?id=1954044#ixzz0UFlEJhJu
10:10 p. m. Lately Howard’s been writing riddles and jokes. I’d always thought such a vocation was strictly reserved for prison inmates and asylum dwellers. Apparently not. Most of the jokes Howard comes up with involve bears and forest rangers, penguins in bars, and chickens. He decides to favour a group of us with one of his new pearls.
“A chicken is trying to cross the road,” he says. “Cars swerve all around him, honking their horns. ‘Get out of the way, you stupid chicken,’ they scream. Finally, the poor chicken, having had enough, stops in the middle of the road, looks into the sky and says, ‘Why am I doing this?’ ”
No reaction, but then Howard adds, “I think we’ve all felt at some point in our lives like that chicken.”
And this gets the laughs he was after.
Sunday, 1:15 a. m. I fall asleep to the sound of my friends in the other room, still going strong. At the moment they’re swapping stories about the first time they ever heard Stairway to Heaven. All in all, it feels like a pretty good night.
6:10 p. m. I take the plunge and approach a dad with his three young sons. I ask him which of the three has to sit in the middle, and he points to his eldest. “I have no choice,” the boy says, motioning to each of his brothers. “They’ll kill each other without me between them.” “They can probably use a guy like you in the Middle East,” I say. “Have you ever considered becoming a diplomat someday?” “I thought about it,” he says, treating the question with great seriousness, “but I think I’d rather become a clown.” Read more: http://www.nationalpost.com/arts/story.html?id=1929642#ixzz0UFloraGf
6:10 p. m. I take the plunge and approach a dad with his three young sons. I ask him which of the three has to sit in the middle, and he points to his eldest.
“I have no choice,” the boy says, motioning to each of his brothers. “They’ll kill each other without me between them.”
“They can probably use a guy like you in the Middle East,” I say. “Have you ever considered becoming a diplomat someday?”
“I thought about it,” he says, treating the question with great seriousness, “but I think I’d rather become a clown.”
Hello,
This week’s episode is a holiday special: The Two Marys, originally aired last December and also appearing on This American Life’s Holiday Spectular the year before. I also imagine that the first bit of this will appear in Goldstein’s forthcoming (exciting!) book: Ladies and Gentleman, the Bible!
You can also visit the oft-linked Wiretap Holiday Special feat. Howard and Desmond Chackowicz.
Also, the National Post article somewhat alludes to the end of last week’s episode, Meet the New Boss (finally have the summary up) and definitely discusses Cookie Crisp and clamping colons. Enjoy it: “Like the say in Plattsburg: Crapola in a box.”
While you could argue that the first Wiretap episode ever was “Buddy Picture” with Josh Karpati on This American Life (maybe more like a pilot, given that Josh’s voice is much less shrill in this), according to CBC, “It’s Over” was the first:
Saturday, on the premiere episode of Wire Tap with Jonathan Goldstein, the heartbreak of breaking up and the delicate hope of new beginnings. Devastatingly intimate phone calls. How can you not listen in? That’s Wire Tap, Saturday morning at 11:30 (noon NT) on CBC Radio One.
In this episode, we hear Melissa Kent, Starlee Kine, Howard Chackowciz, Burt Covit, James Hurst and Juliette Water(s?). Tonsofun. Anyway, I’ve written a summary here.
Here’s a reason to buy the This American Life DVD box set:
Last summer I reported a story for a popular radio show that had just become a TV show. It was going to be my first time on television, but after months of production, my story was cut. Today I receive a phone call from one of the program’s producers telling me that my story will at least be included in the DVD box set of the show. I get off the phone and call Marie to tell her the good news. “I don’t understand,” she says. “When are you going to be on TV?” “I’m not,” I say. “I’ll be joining the proud ranks of such other straight to video releases as Robocop: Prime Directives, The Muppets Wizard of Oz and Critters 4. I guess I was just too hard-core for mainstream success.” “So in other words, your story was killed.” “Yes, killed,” I say. “Like Tupac! Like Biggie!” At the mention of these names, I dribble some of my wine cooler onto the living room carpet. “So you’re going to be a DVD extra?” “Yes,” I say. “Because I’m living extra large. Extra, extra hard. With the ‘full colour disc artwork’ and ‘the cast bio page’ is how I roll. Where you have to cycle through several screens and obey half a dozen prompts in order to see me roll.” “Do you think maybe you just have more of a face for radio?” “Yo,” I say, taking things down a notch. “Let’s not start hating. It’s not about me, and it’s not about the size of the house I rock. It’s not about casting agents never getting to see me, nor is it about ex-girlfriends never getting to weep tears of regret at the nationally broadcasted sight of me.” “So what is it about?” she asks. “I guess being happy with what you can get,” I say with uncertainty. “So you’re never going to be on TV,” she says. “And you know who was also never on TV? Jesus.”
Last summer I reported a story for a popular radio show that had just become a TV show. It was going to be my first time on television, but after months of production, my story was cut.
Today I receive a phone call from one of the program’s producers telling me that my story will at least be included in the DVD box set of the show.
I get off the phone and call Marie to tell her the good news.
“I don’t understand,” she says. “When are you going to be on TV?”
“I’m not,” I say. “I’ll be joining the proud ranks of such other straight to video releases as Robocop: Prime Directives, The Muppets Wizard of Oz and Critters 4. I guess I was just too hard-core for mainstream success.”
“So in other words, your story was killed.”
“Yes, killed,” I say. “Like Tupac! Like Biggie!”
At the mention of these names, I dribble some of my wine cooler onto the living room carpet.
“So you’re going to be a DVD extra?”
“Yes,” I say. “Because I’m living extra large. Extra, extra hard. With the ‘full colour disc artwork’ and ‘the cast bio page’ is how I roll. Where you have to cycle through several screens and obey half a dozen prompts in order to see me roll.”
“Do you think maybe you just have more of a face for radio?”
“Yo,” I say, taking things down a notch. “Let’s not start hating. It’s not about me, and it’s not about the size of the house I rock. It’s not about casting agents never getting to see me, nor is it about ex-girlfriends never getting to weep tears of regret at the nationally broadcasted sight of me.”
“So what is it about?” she asks.
“I guess being happy with what you can get,” I say with uncertainty.
“So you’re never going to be on TV,” she says.
“And you know who was also never on TV? Jesus.”
My checking account quivers in fear.
Enjoy life. National Post 11/10/2008
Wednesday is here, and this week’s National Post article features a lengthy conversation between Goldstein and David [Rakoff, I'm assuming]. David addresses an issue that, as an American, I’ve noticed: Jonathan’s Canadian pronunciations. Stuff like “drama” as in rhymes with Alabama. It never occurred to me that it was because Goldstein was from Canada. I thought it was just because he was an MFA.
Anyway, this Rakoff and Goldstein interplay reminds me of the This American Life episode where the staff has a contest to see who has the most testosterone. For some reason, being Canadian factors into a lot of people’s conjecturing on who will win. It’s the third act and it’s called Contest-osterone.
On another note, maybe we can expect an episode with David Rakoff in it? You may remember him as Dr. Suess or Fred Flintstone.
Good times.
Update: This is the single most popular post on this entire blog. I’ve gone through and added some new links and fixed some links. I’ve also put them in the order that they appear in the book and filled in slots for ones that are missing as placeholders. Also, I previously linked to the mp3s on the unofficial archive from SupernintendoChalmers. Now, I’m linking directly to the CBC audio archive, where applicable. In general, the CBC MP3s are better quality. Enjoy! – April 2010
Many thanks to Robert Lee, who pointed out to me this morning that Jonathan Goldstein’s long-awaited (at least by me) retelling of the Bible can now be pre-ordered from (at least) three sources!
Entitled, “Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible!” the book is slated for release in Canada on March 31, 2009 and in the States on April 7, 2009. In commemoration of this exciting news, I’ve done my best to sleuth out sneak peaks on the Web. Check it:
I am betting there are more out there. Anyone have any clues?
Pre-order at:
If you’re thinking about searching for it later on Amazon.com, you might have some trouble as I did. I ended up using the ISBN to search: 1594483671. Update: Thanks to Flavorwire for linking this post! Check out the interview they did with Goldstein regarding his new book.
Hello!
Paul Tough is on this week’s free This American Life episode talking about his piece that Howard tried to interview him about in the episode “Canadian Content.”
Also, just wrote up the summary for “The New Josh.”
Enjoy.
update: Looks like Paul Tough wrote a book about Geoffrey Canada Check it out:
The award-winning piece from The Walrus “Samson and Delilah,” by Jonathan Goldstein. October 2004. Or, if reading makes you carsick, just listen to the similarly named Wiretap episode.
John Hodgman’s piece “Hello, I’m Famous,” in GQ. Or, if reading makes you carsick, you can just listen to it on This American Life.
K. Bye.
CBC’s promoing the next episode with a new ringtone on Wiretap’s MySpace page. It’s a dance/trance remix of some Dina Goldstein quotes and it’s called “I’m Jonathan Goldstein’s Mother.” I highly recommend it. It seems inspired by “The Greatest Phone Message Ever.” Especially since this Sunday’s episode is called:
“I Can’t Find the Books”
Because they must be in La Jolla, right? You really should listen to that This American Life episode. It’s classic, though slightly less shrill, Karpati in it. Here’s the blurb for the next Wiretap episode:
This week on WireTap, Jonathan finds himself double-booked. Having been scheduled to introduce an experimental art band at the CBC, but having also promised to take his 8 year-old goddaughter honey-tasting, find out who he shares the day with and who he leaves high and dry. Plus, Jonathan’s mother makes her debut in the world of avant-garde music.
Sadly, the link for the promo seems to be broken, so I can’t identify any other guests for you.
Guess we’ll just have to stay tuned.
On another note, check out some of these lyrics from the band The Books:
If Not Now, Whenever
Can we talk some more? I don’t know. I don’t either. Monday. January. Independent! I’d like to go home and go to sleep, I’d like to go home and go to sleep. And you’re running down. And you’re running down. And your head is made of clouds, but your feet are made of ground. And you’re running down. You are cursed with a curse. If you work very hard, my boy, some day you may become, uhm… women. (eh he he, bless you, eh hee hee hee ha) Ceçi n’est pas une pipe. Yeah! How are you doing today, I’m not doing ok. I’ve got a cramp in my left arm. Change me, change me (oh oh oh) And I feel like hell. Uh huh, well why don’t you go home to bed, heh eh em. Sssssssssssseven. And you’re running down. Ssssssssss. And you’re running down. (the books) And your head is made of clouds, but your feet are made of ground. Aaaarghhhhhh. And you’re running down. (oioioioi) And crash! The angel of death! I am the angel of death. I am the angel of death. January, our nation is drifting, strange situation, Monday. I wonder if I could? Of course you can. I don’t know. True. I have tried. Will you try still harder now? (the situation there is too confused, what is this, what’s he talking about) I will try to. (What? Me? No. We need you, for a long long long moment all was silent, you make it sound as though I would be a…, it must have been a terrible time, Do not go, is it really you, I have only one passion, yes father, what was his name again, I don’t understand, it is he, thank you, of course, no father, well thank you, very well, the situation there is too confused, what is this, what’s he talking about What? Me? No. We need you, you make it sound as though I would be uhh…, it must have been a terrible time, Do not go, the tears streamed out of my eyes, we have done everything, in every sense of the word, heh, so you’ve said and so you’ve done, there are three… no four books, why not, please, heh heh heh heh, yes I see, you’ve, uh, phrased that very well.) Ahhhhh Books. yes yes that’s true. The books. I can’t find the books, they must be in La Jolla. And your head is made of clouds, but your feet are made of ground. and you’re running down. I had stayed up for 46 hours in a row. Yeah! (ewl zsssh)
Props.
